Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Red Hot

(The first ever) Two-Part Quiz: What was the name of the Red Sox' radio network in the eighties? (Like, instead of "...on the WEEI Red Sox Radio Network," what did Coleman and/or Castiglione USED to say?) AND What do Red Sox radio announcers tell us before going to a commercial break for a pitching change?

Today, I flipped on 630 AM, the Providence station, to see if I can still get it, and not only was it coming in (baaarely), but Castiglione was just wrapping up the game. Manny and Ortiz went back-to-back, and Mueller, Vasquez, and Hyzdu also were on dong-patrol in a win over the Cards. I put on 1080 Hartford just in case, but of course, they weren't carrying the game. Anything on weekday afternoons, especially in ST, is off-limits for the station that brags of their "over 50 years" of carrying the Sox. And god forbid an effing UConn game is on. They'd miss a Red Sox playoff game for a UConn press conference.

When I wrote the word "Cards," I thought of the old headline "Jack Of Cards Turns Dodgers Blue," from when Jack Clark beat the Dodgers in the '85 playoffs with a home run--which reminded me of one time when I was at yankee Stadium, there was this lady standing next to me before a game, desperately trying to get Jack Clark's attention. I think he was on the Sox at the time. This lady was holding a thick-ass book with the words "JACK CLARK" in rhinestones on the cover. To be that crazy over Jack Clark, wow. I don't even know which word to italicize in that sentence.

Apparently, after sliding around in dirt all month, Johnny Damon forgot to wash his crotch. Or forgot to properly dry off.

Finally, even though Bullshit Memorial already brought up how the movie Heat is out on DVD, here's what I was gonna say about it.

I love Heat, I think it's underrated. I saw it on 1/3/96. I remember that because my ticket stub stayed in the pocket of this ridiculous brown fake leather jacket--that my dad got in the sixties--I used to wear for years after I saw the film. And every time I'd try to pull something out of that pocket, there it was: "HEAT 1/3/96". Then when my friends and I watched it on video (it was a two-taper), one of my friends brought a girlfriend to the little gathering that took place at my (parents') place. Another one of my friends was farting horribly. He kept making excuses such as, "I was petting a dog earlier today, and the dog smell is still on my hands." Needless to say, none of us ever saw that girl again.

But about the actual movie, I've always had this theory as to why it's so underrated. DeNiro's character has this motto that he lives by: "Never get too attached to something you know you can't run away from when you see the heat comin' around the corner." Alright, that was actually just what I remember it to have been. Here's the actual quote, from some movie site: "Never have anything in your life that you can't walk out on in thirty seconds flat, if you spot the heat coming around the corner."

Do you see what I'm getting at? Not exactly the type of catch phrase you can put on a movie poster. Unless you use the back. It's no "I'll be back," or "Yo, Adrian." Hell, even "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water" is, like, only half as long. And the DeNiro character tells this to a younger dude (played by Jim Morrison/Batman), like he's supposed to remember it. You're only gonna confuse the kid with this long, drawn out logic. He's gonna feel the heat coming, and have to stop to take the note cards he's written the phrase on out of his pocket! Cuz' he ain't rememberin' that crap!

I always mock this phrase with my own special versions, such as, "Listen son, Never, ever, ever get too close to something that you, your immediate family, or affiliates of the entity that is you, can't walk or run away from in a pre-determined and agreed upon amount of time based on your relative position inversely proportional to the "heat"--which will come into play in a moment--when you see, hear, smell, or feel the aforementioned heat rounding a nearby street corner, headed in your general vicinity (without the express written consent of the office of the commissioner.)"

"And don't forget it!"

Remember, I can only make fun of it because I'm such a fan of the movie. Chan got the DVD, and I'll soon be borrowing it and watching with commentary. I could watch the grass grow if it had commentary.

Then I got to thinking, maybe there's just something about "heat" in general which makes crisp, concise phrases about it impossible to concoct. Example: Joanna Newsom has a lyric that goes: "Never draw too close to the heat that you forget that you must eat." I mean, clearly, she could've at least shortened that last part to "...that you forget TO eat." And it still would've fit into the song! Somethin' about that heat, I tell you.

But if you haven't seen the movie, I recommend it. I'm not even big on, like, guns and shooting and violence and whatnot, but the gunfight in the streets in that movie is just awesome. This scene was blamed by Jesus-types for the real life shootout some dudes had with cops on the street a few years later. But I say, even if those guys saw the movie and purposely did that because they saw it on a movie screen, well, that's still, like, only .00000001 % of the movie's viewers imitating the movie. If that was the percentage of Heat's viewers who didn't shoot up the streets of their town, well, yeah, go ahead and blame the movie. But these dudes would've done that anyway, probably because their parents were too busy smoking reefer and leaving the gun drawer unlocked, when they should've been teaching their kids not to kill other people, or at the very least, the alphabet. But that's just me.

"I could watch the grass grow if it had commentary."

In all seriousness, no truer words have ever been spoken. Commentary tracks are remarkable. I'm gonna do a post on my favorites soon...
" ... teaching their kids not to kill other people, or at the very least, the alphabet."

Did somebody try to kill the alphabet? How did I miss this?

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Location: Rhode Island, United States