Saturday, August 06, 2005

Gil/Hodge Podge

Talk about your all-time forgettable baseball night.

Bronson seemed like he was in an altered mind-state from pitch one. After all the insanity, when Millar was robbed, I didn't know whether to say "This is just getting to be unbelievable" or "Huh, figures."

All this going on while watching the yanks against the Gils. Yes, the Gils, as in, "The Blue Jays are playing like a team comprised of nine of the character Gil from the Simpsons." To refresh your memory, Gil is the car-salesman who just can't get anything right in life. Nothing goes his way, and he's well aware of it.

The Jays were down 3-0 for most of the game, but every inning they'd have scoring opportunities against one of the many players whom Michael Backwards Kay has referred to as "yank Aaron," Aaron Small. But instead of playing sound, fundamental baseball, trying to move up runners and manufacture runs, they'd all be up there hacking like Willie "Mays" Hayes, and popping the ball straight up and throwing their bats down with an "Aw, jeez," Gil-style. When they weren't doing that, they were grounding into inning-ending double plays. "Aw, shucks."

"Team o' Gils, man," I kept saying to Chan, "team o' Gils."

It was like both the Jays and the Twins, in their indoor or half-indoor pantheons of poop, were trying to see how many different ways they could frustrate me in one night.

At one point, Tino made this catch on a foul pop by the stands, where it seemed like he was just putting his glove out to feel for the wall, and ball landed right in it, and miraculously stayed there. I told Chan, "That was totally accidental!" Chan didn't believe me...until they showed a close-up of Tino with a shit-eating grin on his face. Then A-Rod made a lucky catch running away from the infield, and started prancing around like a fucking show-pony. And before that, he completely over-celebrated on a fairly nice play he made, despite that on what I think was the play before it, he had so much time to throw to first on a hard grounder, that he took four steps toward first, and still bounced the throw. Still no third-baseman instincts, I tell you. But this over-celebrating he does is typical of robots as they try to "feel out" the human world, sometimes reacting incorrectly to certain situations. He'll get it eventually.

Oh well, at least I beat Chan in tennis and Scrabble yesterday. And in the Scrabble game, I was down by over a hundred points early, but methodically fought my way back into it, eventually surpassing the Chan Army in the final stages. With a win like that, surely you had to have charted out the scoring in line-graph form on a Dunkin' Donuts box, right, Jere?

Of course:


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Location: Rhode Island, United States