Saturday, May 21, 2005

Happy Bithday Natalie

Tonight, Mindy Cohn, known to the world as TV's Natalie Green, got a birthday present in the form of a Jason Varitek home run--for the fifth year in a row.

Blair is so jealous right now.

Friday, May 20, 2005

The yankee Fan Cycle Of Hypocrisy

yankee fan: "It's 26 to 3, baby, what rivalry? You won't win again for 86 years." (they always get the stats wrong, remember)

Sox fan: "Okay, so we're still the lovable underdog, and you're still the evil empire?"

yankee fan: "No, you've got plenty of money, you're no different than the yanks."

Sox fan: "So we're even, then?"

yankee fan: [head explodes.]

You can't have it both ways, yankee fans. At least not until your team proves they have "what it takes" to win when it counts again.

Also, I know I shouldn't even react to their twisted logic, and I know it's only a select few yankee fans who buy into the "2090" theory, and even those who do are just showing how pathetic they are, embarrassing the smart yankee fans, but still, my question is: Why, if you're doing this on some kind of yankee-math basis, won't the Red Sox win for another 86 years? You started with the arbitrary date of 1919 and have computed the average time it takes us to win? Is that it? Once every 86 years? So, technically, between now and 860 years from now, we'll win 10 championships. So, why can't they all come in a row, starting in 2005?

I say, if you're doing this by averages, you have to start at the beginning. It's 6 championships every 100 years that there's a World Series. So we win out of every 16.6666 World Series'. So your T-shirt needs to say "2020 Point Six Repeating!"

yankee fan: [head re-explodes.]

Tiny Robots Finally Make News

When asked what he does for a living, my ex's brother would say that he builds tiny robots that kill people. Since he worked at Cornell, naturally I thought of him when I saw a healine Cornell Team Develops Self-Repricating Robots"". I imagine him in his lab with a clenched fist, saying, "Those bastards over in the pro-life robot-building department beat us to the punch." Or maybe it WAS his department that made these robots, so they can have more robots to kill people with. An unlimited supply. Yeah, that's probably it.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Empires And Whatnot

Do you know how desperate yankee people are for their past days of glory? Last night, Michael Kay said during the game, "This is the count that the '98 yankees used to love to hit-and-run on." That whole win-streak, all I heard was how the "old yankees" are back. What I didn't hear after last night was how the "choking yanks" never really left. If they were the old yanks, they would have won last night.

Since my last post, we had that great comeback win which featured this call from Joe Castiglione: "...and it gets BY Byrnes!" Which referred to Byrnes essentially costing his team the game on the Renteria double. It's so funny how that guy always comes up short in the end, no matter how "exciting" he is.

And, oh right, David Wells ruining my whole day in about five minutes.

But we're moving on.

So my Star Wars party is slated for Saturday. I'll be watching all six movies in one day. Actually, Episode I is getting the shaft, due to time constraints, and since it's the only one I've seen already. If you missed my earlier post about this, the deal is that I never saw the old Star Wars movies, so I planned on watching all six, in order, all on one day, when Episode III came out. That time has come, so I'm having a housewarming/Star Wars-watching party. It doesn't look like it'll be a very big crowd, as most humans don't enjoy watching five movies back to back to back to back to back. But Chan is in, and so is Brian, who's been a big fan of this concept for a while now. We'll see how far we actually get.

Top four comments I've gotten about my Star Wars party:

4. I can't come. I live in Burlington, Vermont.

3. Wow, two things I thought I'd never see are happening within eight months: The Red Sox winning the World Series and Smitty seeing Star Wars!

2. So is your apartment in NYC gonna be like Andy Warhol's Factory, only for dorks?

1. I can't believe you're actually going through with this.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A's/Audio/Avenues/All-Star Catchers

These A's announcers are ridiculous. Especially the old guy. None of his calls give you any idea of what could possibly be going on. He said the word "bejesus" tonight. Last night, in the ninth, Payton pinch ran. He told us this, but then started giving Payton's batting statistics, and was saying there was a left handed hitter up. After two pitches, he told us that Mueller was actually up. (Which made sense, since Payton couldn't have been on first and at the plate at the same time.)

Gameday Audio keeps defaulting me to these guys, and I've just kept them on out of laziness. The Seattle guys were way better, and not just because they seem to love the Red Sox. Also, listening to the Seattle station and hearing their commercials reminded me of the utopia that is the Jet City.

My new neighborhoood also kind of reminds me of Seattle. The main downtown of Seattle was built on a hillside. More like a cliff, actually. So the avenues are like plateaus, with the steep streets crisscrossing them. And while Manhattan is mostly flat, right near where I am, there's a hill. So you've got the East River, then flatness over to 1st Ave. and 2nd Ave. But then you go up a hill to 3rd Ave, and up once more to get to Lexington Ave. So I get to imagine I'm in Seattle, even though there's nowhere else I'd rather be than right here now. But I think in ten years I could be a Seattle...ite?

As I drove by yankee Stadium today (I do every day on the way to and from work), Sweet Caroline came on the radio. I swear. It's cool how I get to physically flip off yankee Stadium twice a day.

David Wells is back tomorrow it seems.

In Rich Gedman news (that's right, there's Rich Gedman news), Rich is now the manager of the Worcester Tornadoes. Here's a Herald article about it. And here's Geddy's bio from the Tornadoes' site.

Thanks to Pat, fellow Rich Gedman afficionado, for this info. He also points out how the team is named the Tornadoes despite the fact that a tornado killed 94 and injured over a thousand in Worcester in 1953. Terrible job, Worcester Tornadoes. But great job on the Gedman hiring!

As I write, the Red Sox, despite leading 2-0 in the fourth, are squandering opportunities over and over, just like last night, while the yanks are getting cheap hit after cheap hit against the M's. 2-1 now. Home run by Chavez while I was writing that sentence. I want to go to bed, but I know I won't be able to.


Why can't these west coast teams play their games at 4:oo PM local time? Don't they know we need our rest? How's this for a compromise--when the Red Sox are gonna lose, start the game two hours earlier? Please? Days like this are the worst of the season. You stay up til 1:00 AM on a weeknight only to have the yanks win and the Sox lose. There is only one other day this can possibly happen again this year, and that's tomorrow. In fact, the Sox only have one more mid-week west coast late game after that: August 18th. So there's a fake bright side to today.

Chan and I got our new phone number yesterday. You can rest easy, folks. It's a 212. None of this 646 nonsense. (Oh, no. I'm becoming one. Look, if I start talking about mystique and aura, just shoot me. But remember, you have to use a silver bullet.)

Monday, May 16, 2005

Buzzo Still Making Headlines

The other day I was talking about how I saw the Melvins lead singer, Buzz Osborne, at the yanks-A's game in Oakland. I noticed online that other people saw him, too. That's a link to a Melvins message board. Somebody on there says that he was also shown in the fifth inning,(my sighting was in the ninth), only next to him was Mike Patton! The exclamation point is for the fact that Patton is one of my all time favorite artists. If from nowhere else, you may remember him as the lead singer of Faith No More. He's also done the bands Fantomas, Tomahawk, and has been doing Mr. Bungle since before his days in Faith No More. And he does crazy solo albums where he makes unearthly noises with his mouth and and a microphone. And he's from the Bay Area, and seems to know about sports from things I've heard him say at concerts.

So I guess Patton called up Buzzo and said, "Hey, you wanna go root against the yanks?" And Buzzo was like, "Huh? I guess so." And then in the ninth, Buzzo was like, "Dude, it's 15-5, what are we still doing here?" And that's as far as I'm gonna go with this, because it's really not funny anymore. But I'm still amazed I saw that dude on TV.

I've been trying to count my Melvins concerts. 1. opening for Primus, Omaha, NE, 1993(?). 2. opening for Nine Inch Nails, Omaha, NE, 1994(?). 3. opening for Tool, Poughkeepsie, NY, 1997. 4. opening for Tool, New York, NY 2001 [Edit: wrong. it was '02, and it wasn't the Melvins, it was Fantomas, featuring Buzzo and Patton, hence my confusion]. 5. opening like every other show I've ever seen (1975-present).

Oh my lord, check this out. I went to the Tool unofficial website that I used to go to all the time back in the mid- to late-nineties, and found MY REVIEW of that Tool show in Poughkeepsie. I think this is so cool, that this dude Kabir kept these reviews up the whole time. I wrote a little thing about the Melvins at the end of the review, which is really funny if you've been following this current Melvins saga on my blaga.

Hopefully you'll like this view into the mind of me as a spritely young...twenty-one year old. Man, I've been for a long time.

Warriors Update

In the remake of The Warriors, Luther leaves the Rogues and joins up with the Baseball Furies. He changes his name to "Kookie." In a rare still shot from this upcoming film, Luther, I mean Kookie, helps a fellow gang member get over the fence at 36th Street after they hold up a gas station, as a security guard approaches.

AP photo of Luther

I saw some commotion during this game on Sunday at the Riv, on one of the few TVs showing the yanks, but I didn't know what was going on. I guess Kookie Kookie Lend Me Your Comb was getting involved in the security effort.

The Punky QB Known As McMahon

Does anybody but me remember "Red Sox Rock," a takeoff on "Jailhouse Rock," made in 1986? There was a video for it on MTV ,back when every team and their left grandma was making a music video. It didn't feature players, if I recall correctly. I just remember fans in a bar grabbing a yankee hat off of some guy and stomping on it or something. And one of the lines in the song was "...send the California Angels down to hell, let's rock...everybody Red Sox." Something like that. Or maybe it was "sent" them to hell. As in, it was probably made right before the World Series. Anybody?

Also, I remember the Pats had two different songs in response to the Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle" (the absolute creme de la creme of sports team music videos), one being "New England, the Patriots and We," and the other "Leader of the Pats." I was never a Pats fan, but I figure this is the right place to ask if anyone remembers any of these ridiculous songs.

And about the Riviera: Can someone set me straight on just what happened to the fired bartender? Like, tell me the whole story, maybe? I looked for news of this on the boards but couldn't find it. Is this why the upstairs TVs don't have the games anymore? Is the person who fired the bartender NOT a Sox fan? The bartender on Sunday had a well-worn Sox hat, and there were so many Sox fans there. Somebody please tell me the deal. Thanks.

In Life Aquatic news, why isn't the Sigur Ros song on the soundtrack? And, why did they record the commentary for the DVD at such a level that makes it nearly impossible to hear Wes Anderson?

Arroyo tonight. This usually leads to good things. So does playing Oakland.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Breaking News: Riv Still Cool

I went to the Riviera today. The only thing different about it is they don't show the games in the upstairs area. But the downstairs area is big, with lots of TVs, most with the Sox game on. So it's still good. And pretty full--95% Sox fans--for a Sunday afternoon in May. If anyone else was there today, I was the loner, Dotty, the rebel.

Congrats, Manny, on your 400th. Would've rather had the win today, though. And yankee fans/announcers are starting to get full of themselves again. Setting themselves for yet another disappointment.

I'm curious to see the interview with Steinbrenner on HN. When's the last time there was a full interview with that shit head? (I like how on the teaser, they ask him, "Did you like....Seinfeld?)

Longest Post Ever

Trot grand slam!

Holy Crap!

Chan and I are sitting here watching the yankee game, it's the ninth inning, the crowd is sparse, and the Hell, No network cuts to a shot of a fan in the stands. The guy has crazy hair, and the announcers make fun of it. I immediately recognize him as the singer of the Melvins, Buzz Osborne. I was screaming, "Chan, that's freakin King Buzzo of the Melvins! Holy shit!" Then I found a picture of him on the internet to prove it to Chan. Here's the pic (which also proves that you can't mistake this dude for anyone else):

Yes celebrity: Buzz Osborne

I hope some of you music fan types who also happened to be watching the ninth inning of a 15-5 yankee game caught this.

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