Friday, June 09, 2006


I've talked about the yanks discounting tickets before. For a while now, they've had a ticket pack for sale where you save 58% of the face value price. But now they're taking it to the next level. You can buy a 7-game plan where you can get $40 tier box seats ($42 on day of game) for five bucks. That's like 90% off. How can they even count those tickets in the attendance numbers? It's like I said before, just hand 'em out for free and then brag about your attendance records, why don't you?

Just remember "90% off" next time you hear Jon Sterling waxing poetic about how absolutely amazing it that they can draw so many classy fans for a Wednesday night game.

[Note: I wrote this last Friday and was waiting to post it. That night, while driving to Boston, I heard Sterling do it once again. He basically does it every game. He was so fake-amazed that they had more people for the A's game than they did for the previous night's Red Sox game, forgetting about the mega-discounts and the fact that it was a weekend.]

No Respect

On the way to work this morning I saw a guy with a home A-Rod jersey with name on back. Is there any way that guy watched the game last night? I wear my Sox hat every day, but I'm not about to break out a jersey the day after a loss to the rival. Especially if that jersey belongs to a guy who played shitty in that game. I don't see any al-Qaeda fans boasting al-Zarqawi jerseys this week. The guy may as well have worn a shirt that says "I don't pay attention until October."

Then again, if he watches the yanks in October, I wonder why he'd buy an A-Rod shirt...

I talked last night about Rod Knee-Queen's error--I mean double that he grasped for with his glove but missed--and how I thought he'd say he should've made the play. I was... a little off:

"It was do or die," Rodriguez said. "I could probably field it cleanly three or four times out of 10. If it was hit harder it's a lot easier." --from the Daily News

After reading that, I feel like the duck in the Yogi Berra Aflac commercial. Did he say that out oud?

So, what you're saying is, you can field a ball that's hit hard...roughly...what, 50, 60 percent of the time? And if it's hit softly, that percentage drops to 30-40 percent? Is this what you're trying to convey? Look, Alex, I'm sorry our guys hit the ball too lightly for you to knock down.

I guess it was the old TSTH: too soft to handle. Back to fielding school, Rod Knee.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Murc' & Airy (Murcer & Kay)

This is really funny. After a game in which Bobby Murcer proclaimed, "You could tell Schilling didn't have it from the beginning," Curt was named Yes' Player of the Game, having thrown just 96 pitches in eight innings, giving up three runs on four hits.

That's the worst call since the Ridgefield-Westhill basketball game in '91, when our crowd chanted "scoreboard" at the Westhill section, and sang "Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye" only to see our team lose the game.

Terrible job, T Hall and James Ward. I wonder where Stormtroopers of Death was that night.

For more on tonight's game, scroll down.

Crass Commercialism

Man, that Youk sure knows how to sweat. We should call him Kevin Ew-kilis. But that doesn't work since it sounds the same as the real name when spoken. But it's supposed to compare him to ultra-sweaty basketball player Patrick Ewing.

Hey, remember when Jeter vowed--vowed--to play the first game of this series? He's still out. But I still get to see him, since he's currently appearing on no less than six commercials. The one with Spike Lee, where Lee botches the line "Let me show you what a pro can do" by emphasizing "do" instead of "pro;" the one where he shows us his "crib," and actually says, "hold up, hold up," you know, to show he's "street;" the one where a pitcher throws him balls from different sports, which they somehow relate to the fact that you should read the rating label on video games; the one with Beckett for some video game that isn't RBI Baseball; the one for the hitting drills video where he literally teaches your children to get cheap hits to right field consistently; and...all this writing made me forget the sixth. Don't worry. They're all unaviodable.

9-3 us. Nice.

And here's the Jeter/Lee ad as I type.

Hey, here's something I just noticed the other night. The avenune I live off of is a major route from The Bronx through Manhattan. You come over the 3rd Avenue Bridge, and you're right on it. (Ironically, it's not 3rd Avenue.) So Chan and I took a walk after the game, and noticed unusually heavy traffic coming from the north. (With one dude even chanting "Fuck the Red Sox," really loud--but he did it with class, remember--so we knew it was Stadium traffic. Right now, I'll go check it out, see how many Dunbar fans have left. .... Okay, since I don't usually pay attention to it, I can't tell. But there are definitely cars goingby. For argument's sake, we'll say every single Dunbar fan has left.

"When in Rome, you might as well do what the Romans do."--Bobby Murcer, just now, referring to Jerry Springer wearing a yankee hat. TJ, Springer. Hey, has anyone else noticed Felicity Seymour Huffman, or whatever his name is, sitting behind the plate? Looks like it's gotta be him.

Top 8, still 9-3. yankee fans *stunned* that they can't suddenly win every single game with superstar Melky Cabrera leading the way. Succers.

Stormtroopers of Death now pitching for New York.

[Update 6/9/06: My dad emailed me and said "TJ on spelling of 'succer.'" Does anyone remeber the cartoon--Woody Woodpecker, I think--where a bunch of fireworks shoot up in the air and spell "succer"? At least I think it was spelled like that. SO I always thought a person who got fooled was a "succer," as opposed to a lollipop or something that sucks, which would be "sucker." I figured "sucker" was too easy to be correct, like how a phony isn't a "poser," despite that they are technicallly one who poses, but a "poseur." Although now that I've looked it up, it turns out "poser" is indeed a synonym for "poseur."]

Exsqueeze Me? I Baking Powder?

Did Coco just swing on 3-0 in a situation where a walk almost guarantees David Ortiz coming up with the bases loaded?

And terrible job by No. On the A-Rod error, Kay immediately called it a double. I'm saying, Uh, didn't A-Rod simply miss the ball? Chan came running in from the other room, and instead of a replay, we get the infamous "pitch by pitch," because they'd obviously planned to do it once they realized it was a long at bat, with no backup plan in case some key play ended up happening, which it did. They finally give us a replay, and it's one where they focused on Proctor. Then, after that, we at last get to see A-Rod missing the ball, and then Kay, *shocked* to find out it was called an error. [update: changed later to an error. I love Gonzalez, but I'd really rather A-Rod have gotten the big E. I'm sure he'll say after the game he should've had it.]

Also, after Crisp ruined that inning for us, he was very pissed. Hell, No's microphones picked up a loud and clear "fuck," followed a few seconds later by another one.

Let's keep this lead for Pap!

Also, there was a play earlier where Gonalez bobbled a grounder, quickly snatched it up with the glove, and fired to get the guy at first by a half-step. I thought it was a really good concentration play. The way he used the glove to grab it seemed pretty impressive. However, I never got a second look because they didn't show a replay, or even comment on it. It's just Backwards Kay and Bumblin' Bobby tonight. Great moment earlier when Kay mentioned Plato, and you could tell Murcer thought he was talking about Play-Dough.

Varitek dong! Way to shut these people* up, Jason!!!!!

*term used loosely

Terrible Job

Wow. I just watched the Ford Quality Tri-State Dealers yankees Pre-Game show, or as it could've been called, "The Melky Cabrera Boner Contest!" Needless to say, Kay won. But everyone, including Kim Jones, was in the race.

This is crazy. Besides the Cabrera talk ("one of the greatest catches you'll ever see"--Michael kay), there's this feeling like the yanks just won the World Series. Good sign. They beat us twice in early June, and they're ecstatic. It's proving my new theory: Since they can win World Series' any more, their games against the Red Sox are their World Series.

It's almost like they've entered a fantasy world where they think their team just beats up on the Red Sox constantly, making up over and over again for 2004. Problem with that is, it's completely untrue. They're like, "With each win, we rub in your faces that we're still the best." And we're like, "You beat us, like, as much as we beat you and have yet to even face us in the postseason since 2004."

And by the way, the more I see the Melky catch (100 times in last hour), the more I realize that it wasn't all that great. Huge in terms of when it occurred in the game, but it actually wasn't "one of the best I'll ever see."

TPS Reports

I just heard the now reddish-brown haired Brian Cashman say that Sheffield is out until September. Surgery Tuesday.

So now their two corner outfielders are out. They've got a few new players that are doing well. You know what that means...Timo Perez Syndrome. This is perfect. These new guys are becoming fan favorites. And doing just well enough to fool management into thinking they don't need to go out and get quality replacements. In mid-September, they'll be kicking themselves for thinking Melky and Andy were their ticket to the postseason.

And if they do go out and get more hired guns, well that'll just lead to more chaos, in the clubhouse, and in the stands.

Speaking of new dudes, the make-up date for my May 13th game is Saturday afternoon. Supposedly, Lester is pitching. Should be sweet.

Bon Bon

Electric Boogaloo already?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


What's wrong with this donut?

That's right, one of the "rabbit turds" on this Entenmann's Variety Pack donut is the color of the chocolate-dipped donut. Did it somehow fall into the chocolate vat? If so, did they notice it and remove it individually so it could go back to its correct donut? Take a look at the closeup (and click to enlarge):
That was not on there as a normal colored RT, with chocolate then accidentally spilled on it--despite that the two chocolate donuts in the box were sitting next to this one, to the left. That RT was individually chocofied! I just can't figure out how this happened. If there was some dark brown on this donut anywhere but on the RT itself, I could see the spillover theory, but there wasn't. What's my next step here?

Breaking (quite literally) news: I broke the darker one in half to find it's all chocolate, inside and out! And the lighter one is also the same color inside and out. Where did this dark brown thing come from??

I've got it. They make the turds OUT OF the donut material, cutting them into turd-shape and putting frosting on. No, wait, the inside of the chocolate donuts are yellow! What is going on here? Maybe these turds exist on a different donut. The "rabbit turd donut that's chocolate instead of glazed." But I don't remember seeing that.

Aren't you glad the game got rained out?

Fairy Tale

About this Grimsley thing. Maybe this article should've tipped people off. It talks about how he was ready to come back from an injury that takes at least a year to come back from, and 18 months to come back from effectiveness-wise, and he was ready to come back from it in 9 months. And a check of retrosheet shows he did. Surgery October 12, 2004, pitched in a game July 15th, 2005.

Dear F'n Diary

This lady with a wicked Irish accent works in the cube next to me. When she says "how," it sounds like "hay." "Hay'r ya daing?" But she's totally Americanized, so she always says America's new favorite phrase "no worries." Therefore, whenever I tell myself in my head that there's "no problem," I hear, "noo ware-iz."

My point being that only two teams in all of baseball have fewer losses than the Boston Red Sox. We could be Royals fans, people. They're 14-42. We'll be fine. Also, remember that with te stupid playoff system, we're in already. The Tigers will drop off, leaving only the Shylock Sox in the central. One west team will get in, because only one is over .500. Then it's us and the yanks. The Jays have a chance, or am I just saying that to make it sound like I know baseball? All we have to do is come in second, basically, and we get the same chance (except for a slight home-field advantage) to win as the other seven teams. It's ridiculous, and takes away what used to be the best part about baseball--the division race--but it's the way it is. (Note: I've been saying this '95. Never liked the wild card. And don't get me started on interleague play.) Although believe me, I'm rooting my ass off for the yanks to drop out and the Jays to take their place. I still firmly believe the yanks won't make the playoffs this season.

About this "no worries" attitude: It doesn't mean I won't get really pissed and destroy villages over individual losses to the yanks. That's what I like about having a "diary." I can rant and rave about the evil yanks when that's how I feel, before the "calming down" period. I wouldn't have it any other way. If you were to read a teenage girl's diary, would you want it to say "Today I was pissed earlier about something father did, but I've thought it over and cooled down considerably."? Or do you want "OMG I H8 my dad Soooo much! He's sooo controlling and I'm just not allowed to be ME. Worst. dad. Ever. And he takes too long in the bathroom!"?

I'll answer that. You want the second way. That's the point of a diary, to blow off steam when no one else is around, and say what's in your head at that moment. (Chan has pretty much banned me from yelling at HIM for crimes of humanity perpetrated by Michael Kay, Derek Jeter, Steinbrenner, etc.) At least you people listen to me. And I thank you for that.

Another thing. If you're gonna say to me crap like "Why don't you stop hating and just be a baseball fan?", you might as well say "Why don't you stop hating Nazis and just be a human race fan?"

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Things yankees Get Curtain Calls For

Mattingly succesfully removes booger from nose. Curtain call!

Proctor breathes in...and out! He's done it. Curtain call!

A-Rod files Jeter's bat in the proper slot, on only his second try! Curtain call!

Torre places hat correctly back on head--after previous curtain call. Curtain call!

Look, people, the lesson here is that Proctor only has eyebrows when he breathes out.

If I Used The Phrase "No Worries," I'd Use It Here

If I noticed anything different today, 6/6/6, it was that all the dogs of New York seemed to be going crazy. No straight lines there at all. I think it just proves my theory that dogs are evil.

Speaking of evil dogs, we played Mr. Dunbar tonight. I'm very proud of Pauley. He did just what I thought he'd do. I don't know if I really made that clear in print; I didn't want to jinx him. But ask people I talked to in real life. I had full confidence in him after that Toronto game. It just seemed like he knew he could do better. And tonight, he proved that. The poor kid misses an easy grounder, and that turned out to be the key play.

As far as the final score, what are you gonna do? It won't be the last time the yanks win on a borderline ball four call from Rudy Seanez. We'll just hope next time he's at least on another team.

Anybody still wanna cheer soulless Johnny after that little fancy-pants celebration? "Jete" has really taught him the true yankee way of taking attention from the player who actually made the play.

Well, I've just successfully taken a piss without getting any on the floor. Since I live in New York, I've been asked to take a fucking curtain call in honor of this feat. Wow, my fifth of the day. These people must genuinely love and appreciate my efforts.

If you're a yankee fan, I hope you trip and fall in front of a lot of people tomorrow. While holding two ice cream cones.

We'll just have to win the last two. Go out with the momentum.

"Very Much Like Pyramid, But Different"

"Okay...canker sores...acne on your face even though you're thirty...profuse sweating...uh, rapid heart rate..."

"Things that happen to you during a Red Sox-yankees series."

audience applauds


Tuesday, 6/6/6

You know how many pitches have been thrown to Johnny Damon this season? Turn 666 upside down.

You know how many at bats he has? Divide 666 by 3. (That's the date divided by the day of the week. Tuesday=3rd day.)

You know how many hits he has? 66.

Bonus material: Randy Johnson's OPS is .66666666666666....

Monday, June 05, 2006

Bring All The Boys To The Yard

A funny trick I learned at age three was to take a bunch of mud and put it in a glass and offer it up to the pricks in your neighborhood as a "milkshake." Ali and I never really acted out the plan, so I think it's time to finally go through with it. Milkshakes for my yankee fan co-workers tomorrow!

Mass Confusion

This is unbelievable. Emmy-winning "Hell, No" Network is currently missing what's going on. Now we're back, and the announcers are talking like they thought we were there the whole time! What the shit is happening? I have no idea what's going on. The only reason I knew anything was going on was because during the commercial (after Yes announcers assured us the inning was over), they cut back to a shot of Francona arguing, before going right back to two more commercials. They've explained everything, but NO ONE heard it because we were at commercial. Somebody needs to get fired here. Including the umps, who took a clearly fair ball, should've been double-play, and turned it into just one out. And now two runs score, after yet another shitty ball call. This game should be played under protest. At least we all know that in the end, the yanks will choke as usual.

The TV! The TV!

More of this Hell, No Network crap, where they keep showing pitches from behind the plate. In other words, completely missing the action, because we can't see where the pitch is going, or where the ball goes off the bat, because the catcher and umpire are in the way. Who authorized this. As the type (the one?) who feels I need to fully witness each pitch to put the proper root-ation into it, this, naturally pisses me off. It's like I'm being cheated. Or like the cat stepped on the remote right before a pitch, turning theset off. I can't be responsible for what the Sox hitter does if I can't see the pitch!


That's a lotta hits in a row, Beckett. Better make some adj-effin-ustments.

HR by steroids man # 1. I think Curt's done a fabulous job of teaching him how to think too hard. Hey Giambi, that curtain call ain't so special after Andy Phillips just got one, is it? Fucking retarded neanderthal fans. At least we've got seven innings to come back.

F Dunbar

Absolute classic "I'm afraid of yankee fans" umpiring. You could tell right away. Anything close by Mussina, there's a pause, the dude thinks "Oh no, if I don't raise that arm, I'm gonna get booed loudly," and then the strike is called. On a pitch to Manny, Kaat said "perfect pitch, perfect spot." Then the overhead replay is shown. Pitch nowhere near plate. Silence, then, Kay: A liberal strike zone, but he'll probably give it to Beckett, too." Uh, what? And Mussina tried to throw one even further outside to "test" the ump. It's so ridiculous how this is a part of baseball. The strike zone should be a constant, mind games shouldn't alter it. Then in the bottom of the first, sure enough, an absolutely perfect pitch is called a ball to Damon, he goes on to walk, and a run eventually scores. I'm not making excuses for our defense: Beckett, like mmost pitchers would have, blew the throw to second. And to allow that runner to go all the way around, terrible. But for some umpire to want to have 55,000 people cheer for him because he never got to play baseball always pisses me off. One of the many reasons it's ALWAYS easy to hate the yanks, no matter how mucg the media tells me I have no reason to hate them. If umps were robots, you could tell me I'm crazy. But you know these guys are psyched to take the nationwide stage, and they don't want to be booed. Especially at the one Stadium where you might actually be physically harmed if you disappoint the fans.

Anyway, we'll get some runs tonight. The legitimate way. Top 2nd, 1-0 them.

Shows, Shows, And More Proverbial Shows

Ah, summertime--when you can go see bands without having to wait on long, depressing lines in the freezing cold for hours, among people who honestly believe they are cooler than you because they have better shoes.

As die-hard ARSFIPT readers know, I've been waiting for quite a while to see harp-sprite Joanna Newsom again. I check daily, to see that she's only playing in Iceland. That's not sarcasm. Since Neil Hamburger's also on Drag City Records, I at least get the pleasure of going to his hilarious site. So I get to have a laugh after finding out that Joanna is still not coming around.

Then I got one of those ticketmaster e-mails, the ones that say "Don't miss..." and are followed by "Rob Thomas," or "Third Eye Blind" or something. My eyes popped out when this one said "Don't miss Joanna Newsom."

Turns out she's playing a show in Brooklyn, at an old park with a pool that's been renovated. (The audience will be in the pool. I assume with no water.) That's on August 24th. Seems to be a one-off show, so I'm glad it's in my city. I found out about this last week, already have tickets, and stupid Drag City has still made no mention of it. Thank you, ticketmaster. (First time I've ever said that.) I'll be dragging Chan to that show, per our "deal"--you come see my blonde, short, weird, female songwriter with me if I go see yours with you. (I'm talking about Nellie Mackay, who I ended up seeing more than once with the Chan-meister.)

While researching this crazy swimming pool venue, I noticed that Sonic Youth is playing there, on August 11th and 12th. Got tix for that, too.

Central Park Summerstage isn't nearly as promising as last year's, but they could still add some stuff. Plus a lot of those shows are free, which automatically makes them more desirable.

Then you've got the yearly Hot Stove concert at Fenway, which I'll be attending once again. Terribly, it's on a Wednesday (July 12th), but I'm taking the day off to chill in the right field grandstand at Fenway, get this, facing the action. The stage will be in right field, facing the corner. Same old same old as far as bands. No Bernie Williams on the bill this year, though...

I saw this headline this morning: “Sting Helps Nab Terror Suspects.” Does this mean he's back with The Police? Oh!

Weekend Wrap-Up

Eh, you didn't miss much around here. Just me blabbing and plugging my latest movie. Scroll down if you're really curious. Above is a bonus shot from last week in Toronto. I call it "Anticipation... anticipay-ay-tion."

Also, I don't know if anyone added this up yet, but here's how Randy, Kazmir, and Lilly, our three lefty division nemeses, fared against us over a recent 8-game stretch:

14.1 IP, 22 H, 15 ER, 5 HR

Sunday, June 04, 2006


Red Sox win. Mr. Dunbar? Eh, No, Peg. We're one up in the loss column going into the Bronx for four.

Small Man, Big Papi

In the last ten minutes, I've watched Youk, Papi, and Millar go deep. Fortunately, Millar's team is playing the yanks. 6-0 O's, and 4-1 us.

Michael Backwards Kay is now pondering out loud whether Aaron Small's 2005 season was an aberration...

Saying "many thought he'd turned the corner and finally become a viable major leaguer."

Yeah, "many" meaning only Dunbar fans. The rest of us knew it was a fluke.

Another dong. 7-0 O's, and Small is done. Nice. And Matt "Stormtroopers of Death"/"Beard" Smith is in. (Only Ridgefield High Schoolers from the early '90s will understand those nicknames.)

His Name Is...

Jeremy Bonderman scares me. Not his pitching, his face. He reminds me of a middle school bully. Looks like he has to blow his nose all the time. Eyes that make him look like he's always stoned. Ready to party, and kick the asses of anyone who isn't. He has that Kid Rock look. He scares me, too. Put a long straight-haired wig and a little crustache on Bonderman, and he's Kid Rock. Ugh, I hate those Kid Rock face-looking people.

Too bad we couldn't hit him and his Kid Rockish pitching last night.

Meanwhile, the Orioles should have won yesterday. Ninth inning, tied, a speedy dude on first, none out. Do they have him steal? No, they elect to have Jeff Conine bunt him over. One look at Conine and you know bunting isn't his forte. One-tay at most. So, of course he pops out. By the time the kid stole, there were already two strikes on the next hitter. That inning was done. And this was against Proctor. Then in the tenth, down a run, the yanks are forced to bring in Tuesday's starter against us, Wang. But since it's the Orioles, I could've got them out, and Wang did.

Having missed the first eight innings, I held my breath and did the usual "see how many hit by pitches, walks, fielder's choices, and most importantly, ERRORS, led to yankee runs." And of course, Tejada, who I've officially nicknamed "Shittiest good player in baseball history" was responsible for the yanks getting on the board in the first with a big E, his first of two on the day.

I'm wondering if any team in the league besides us will ever step up to be the triple-A effing yankees. Seriously.

Wow, 1:00 PM. Good morning. Red Sox start now. I hope I get Don and Jerry today.

Update: Nope. Mario and Ron. Oh well, they're not half bad.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

My Photo
Location: Rhode Island, United States