I propose a new way for athletes. It's called "stop being so stupid and just be yourself." I'm specifically talking about the steroid issue. If you really think you're innocent, come out and say it. Let us that you're innocent by showing the natural emotions of an innocent person accused of something they didn't do. If you pull a Scott Peterson, or a Drew Peterson for that matter, we're ALL gonna think you're guilty.

How hard is it to be honest? If you show you're afraid to talk about something, how can we assume you're not guilty? Take David Ortiz. When asked about steroids a while ago, he they can test him all they want, and all they'll find is rice and beans. But then he still was able to admit that it is a possibilty that at some point, some illegal substance may have entered his body in the Dominican, where, like with a "shake," as opposed to a "partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverage," "you don't know what you're gettin'." The point is, he's telling everyone the truth about the whole thing because he has nothing to hide.

When you're in the public eye, you have such a great chance of clearing your name just by coming out and showing that you're pissed and that you'd never do such a thing. If you don't do that, don't expect to be believed with your little stories. Especially when you come out with them after you're caught! If Roger Clemens knew that his trainer was some kind of crazy drunk (but only around him, not Pettitte! What are the odds?!) who was likely to slander him, why didn't he come out WELL before the report came out and let us know this?

Same deal with Andy Pettitte. Instead of saying, in 2005, that he'd never do steroids, then finding out in 2007 that they caught him taking HGH, and saying, Oh, well, yeah I did it, and IF that was an error in judgment, I apologize," why didn't he just come out, again, WELL before the investigation and say, "just want to give you all a heads up about something...."

How is it that you can be hailed "classy" for admitting something AFTER YOU'RE CAUGHT? If anybody had come out before the report did and admitted it and apologized, then you could've given them credit, although that doesn't make them any less of a cheater.

This new honest way I propose can carry over into interviews. We don't want to hear that you're gonna take it one game at a time, at a playing rate of 110 percent. We understand they "they've got a great ballclub over there" but that's not what we're asking. Reporters are just as guilty, though--every time I hear the words "How do you feel?" I think "that's one more reporter who should be fired. Bring in somebody who can come up with an actual question."

I'm not saying athletes should be disrespectful, like, when asked about another player, say, "yeah, I hate that asshole and we're gonna kick his team's ass next time we play." But just be honest. It's the new way. (Cue dance sequence from Wet Hot American Summer.)