8:44: The home run derby--in the back yard, on the moon, in a video game, wherever--is humanity's finest invention. So here we go:

Okay, the first two dudes shat the sheets. Then the guy whose name is actually Corey Hart hit a million. I love that Nick Swisher Sour has to follow that. Say what you will about the guy's personality, but I'll take a slug or sloth who doesn't want to play for the New York Yankees over anybody who does. That's the ultimate flaw. So as I write, he has 4 dongs with one ball left...and he's done. Hopefully he doesn't make round 2.

8:47: Holliday, then Papi after these messages. Oh, so ESPN is really pretty bad with the production. They're of course doing the artsy thing and showing different angles instead of just letting us see what happens. Gimme the classic shot from center field. That's what we're all used to, and we can tell if a ball is going out or not from that angle, not one from inside the batter's cup or whatever.

8:50: Holliday up. Man, Berman gets worse every year, sometimes he's just mumbling or it's dead air as he tries to figure out what to say.... Holliday not doing so well, 5 outs, 1 dong....6 outs....

8:52: Matt's down to his last out, come on, gotta keep Swish out of the next round! Up to 3, needs one more, has 4 now! And there's 5, to pass Swisher. Gold. And he finishes with 5. "And that was a BIG little run he had there." - Berman. Papi up next. Great, another ad. So ONE guy batted between commercials. Terrible job.

9:00: Wow, so ESPN films Papi entering the field all ceremoniously and whatnot but DOESN'T SHOW IT. We just hear that it happened. First dong for Papi, hitting off Tony Pena.

9:02: Ha, Pedroia filming Papi with his Flip maybe. Papi on fire, 3 dongs, 1 out. Hitting line drives...4 outs, 4 dongs.

9:05: Joe Morgan just said Babe Ruth wasn't called Babe yet when he played in Boston. Good god. Anyway, 5 dongs, 5 outs for Papi. He's almost in round 2 I think.

9:06: 6 dongs, I think that clinches round 2. Right? He's hitting all these wicked low liners, fortunately a bunch went out. Now he hits a high fly that goes out. He's in, why aren't they confirming? He's ahead of 4 guys if I'm scoring correctly!

9:08: Papi getting the Gatorade break from R. Soriano. Down to last out...gold ball...and he's done. For now...

9:12: Will Ferrell on, has a Bobby Grich patch on his suit jacket! Sweeeet. Hanley's up.

9:17: I think Hanley's going to round two. I was more paying attention to Ferrell, and the way Morgan, Berman, and Bobby V were doing a terrible job setting him up/listening to him.

9:27: Papi interviewed, says he does the HR Derby for the fans--yeah! I hate when guys are invited but don't go! Just get up there and swing, it's fun, assholes! So Cabrera just got in, so it's him, Papi, Hart, and Hanley in round 2.

9:36: Papi leads off round two to give the fourth-place dude a rest since he just hit. Papi adding to the total with 2 quick dongs.... make it 3 and just one out...4...5, still one out, he's hitting bombs while not even getting all of it sometimes....he's up to 14, make it 15....16, 8 in each round, still only 2 outs here...

9:40: Up to 17...Haha, Papi asks how many outs he has, then asks how many more outs he gets! He's got 9 dongs, 5 outs in this round, 17 dongs total as they add round 1 and two. Gets the Gatorade, he really does look a little tired...yet another giant dong, and another! And another for 20! 21, still 2 outs left.... Gold ball time... too bad they show a close-up of his body so there's no way we can tell where the ball went. But it's his last out. 21 total in round 1 &2. Nice.

10:00: Cabrera out. Hanley down to last out with 17. Unless he gets 4 straight, Papi's in the finals. There's 1....there's 2....there's 3...and he fuckin' does it. And now an out. So if Hart passes 21, Papi and Hanley have a swing-off to see who plays him in the finals.

10:08: Hart needs 8 to tie. One out, 2 out...3 out...4 out, no dongs. 5 out....6 out...7 out...1.5 hours between at bats they just said...8 outs, no dongs. Two more and it's an Ortiz/Ramirez final, each going in with 21 dongs anyway! 9 outs! DONE! No dongs in round 2, and Hart surrenders. Papi. Hanley. For all the whatevers.

10:17: Papi up first. Starts off with a dong.

10:18: Another big dong. And another. And a 4th in a row to start. Finally an out.

10:20: Two more Dongs, he's in a groove. Another shot. 7. Pedroia's lovin' it. Make it 8. Now his second out. And the roundly Gatorade break... now his third out, still at 8 dongs. Out #4.

10:23: Another out. Gotta get the rhythm back. But another out. 8 HR, 6 outs. The break came too early this round, broke his rhythm instead of getting him back into it. And now he wraps one around the would-be Pesky Pole! But now his 7th out. Now his 10th dong! #11....no, because ESPN shows just the ball on a fucking split screen to boot.

10:26: Gold ball. He's at 10. He goes mega-yard. 11, and now he's done. Hanley has the tools/talent to top that, but will he do it....?????

10:33: Hanley up. Out #1. I hate that they play music during the action. And I can't believe I haven't mentioned that till now. Out #2. Dong #1. Out #3. Out #4. Dr. Charles shown with Selig and Aaron. Dong #2 off the rockpile. Dong #3. Dong #4. Out #5.

10:36: 4 dongs, 5 outs, he needs 11 to tie. OUT #6! Papi out there to towel him off. Southern Cal crowd still thinks they're watching a tennis match. Then again, no one can hear you when the PA is blasting shit. Okay, 7th out! Still just 4 dongs. And that's the 8th out!

10:37: 5th dong, still 8 outs. Needs 6 more to tie. 9th out!!!!! One more and one of our own wins the Home Run Derby! OUT!! We win!!!!!!!!

10:38: Papi, you kicked ass. And your dong-hitting both here and in the regular season has surprised....NO ONE! (Except for a few dolts in the media who control the thoughts of many.)