Tuesday, March 19, 2013


I do this every year. But now it's time for a fresh start, no links to past lists or other non-slogan stuff like who sponsors each site or anniversary logos. This list will just be what each team has as a slogan on their site, if any, with snide remarks next to them. If a team has no slogan, they're not on the list. I'll update you any time somebody changes one or adds a new one--which will probably be happening a lot in the near future as we're still a few weeks from the season. Go.


Baltimore: [added 4/14: "Together We Play" Apparently the fans are part of the team. Or at least they're made to believe they are....but despite that the fans and team both do certain things at roughly the same time, as the team's video indicates, do they actually play together? No. They never let a fan play. I miss Birdland.] "This is Birdland." They've had this for a couple years now. I feel like they're still riding the current Oriole Wave and will probably keep it for at least this year. Not too dumb, but does fall into the "nation/country/territory" category that's full enough as it is. (Including my blog name and my baseball team, but hey, at least both of those have been around a while.)

Chicago: "#MAKEANIMPACT" Oh dear god. This marks the first time a team used a hashtag in their actual slogan. This shit is so fucking stupid and needs to stop. Get your head out of your phone's ass and live your life. (I reloaded their page a few times to see if maybe a different keyword popped up each time, but no, it's just the one. So make sure you include it in your tweet every time you write your thoughtful, meaningful four-word piece of dogshit tweet about the goddamn White Sox so all your friends can see it instantly while they're driving their bastard children to McDonald's, ya fuckin' idiot! Yay, #America!)

Detroit: "Who's Your Tiger?" Another holdover from last year and maybe the year before. Still lame, hopefully the marketing geniuses over there are working on something new as we speak. I guess they want you to pick your favorite player or...I don't know. But the "Who's Your..." thing got old fast.

Houston: "IT'S A WHOLE NEW BALLGAME" The Astros enter the AL with an old standby. I'd rip on them for being obvious/boring, but it's actually kind of refreshing to see the basics in a world of total and utter shit. And despite that the actual ballgame is the same, they will be playing by different rules than they did last year, so it almost makes sense.

Kansas City: [added 4/14: "COME TO PLAY" Pretty basic shit right there. I guess it gives the impression they're not doggin' it out there. Least they can do at this point.] I know I said I wouldn't include any that didn't have one, but I have to mention this--did you know the Royals have a lion-ish mascot named Sluggerrr? Three Rs, I shit you not. I must have seen this Banana Split before but I never knew the name.

Minnesota: "THIS IS Twins Territory" Another "region" one that's been used for a few years now, and is getting stale. (Said a guy whose blog has been called "...Territory" for nine years.)

New York: "A TIMELESS LEGACY" As far back as I remember, the Yanks have been coming up with pompous slogans that show just how classy a team who tells its fans when to cheer by showing big cartoon hands clapping on the scoreboard can be. They're always just a tad different and a bit more arrogant than the one that came before. Pride. Tradition. Class. Coming up with shitty slogans.

Oakland: "GREEN COLLAR BASEBALL" This one's a few years old now, but good job by them for sticking with it. It's clever and fits the team perfectly, and is even stylized on a collar-looking logo.

Seattle: "TRUE TO THE BLUE" A brand new one after some time off for the former kings of the slogan, your Seattle Mariners. This one isn't one of their best, but I like it. A little more than just "true blue," and the "___ to the ___" thing, despite moderate-to-heavy use in society for quite some time (even suburban moms knew about it as early as 2001 when that H to the Izzo song came out), has yet to infiltrate baseball, so it doesn't bother me.

Tampa Bay (added 3/20/13): "WELCOME HOME" I guess the Rays want to encourage their fans to, you know, actually watch their team play. It's a sad state down there. As a slogan, aside from its deeper meaning, I don't really like it. I guess "home" plate relates to baseball, but it's not much of a rallying cry. I can't see fans high-fiving in the stands going, "welcome home, baby." Well, maybe on run-scoring plays, but not after a strikeout or a win in general. Also note, the WEL and the COME are in different colors, which might be the part about the fans, urging them to "come home." Where they will be welcome? I don't know....

Toronto: "#LoveThisTeam" Oh no! Another one! Please, please, please, don't tell me the Red Sox are gonna do this.


Arizona: "Iback, Youback, Weback the Dbacks" You can't make this stuff up. I just keep thinking of Weeb Ewbank sending in Bob Eubanks at I-back for a mythical football team called the D-bags.

Atlanta: "ALWAYS BRAVE" It doesn't make me jump for joy or anything, but it's different, it's unique to their team, and it makes use of the name in a way besides just saying it. Not bad.

Chicago: "COMMITTED" Much like the time when Pat noted that a billboard on Mill Plain Road in Danbury with babies' heads protruding from the top inadvertently leaves wide open the possibility of birds sitting on their heads and shitting on their faces, the Cubs have set themselves up for disaster here. What Cubs fan hasn't thought at some point in his life about having himself committed?

Cincinnati: "THIS IS Reds COUNTRY" They've been using this one for a while. Again, stale, and part of the crumbling "region" junta.

Los Angeles: "A WHOLE NEW BLUE" As I think I said a few weeks ago when they unveiled it, it sounds funnier if you spell it "A-Hole Knew Blew." But psoriasisly, folks, uh, I guess...sure, whatever. Not that great.

New York: "GREAT TIME. GREAT PLACE. GREAT MEMORIES." Great Scott, Marty, that's a mouthful! The irony here of course is that it's a horrible time to be a Mets fan, Citi Field is such a bad place that they had to alter the dimensions and it actually makes fans miss Shea, and the team has yet to make one good memory there.

Pittsburgh: "Pride. Passion. Pittsburgh Pirates." Another one that's been around for years now. The fans are sick of the pride and passion and are ready for some winning. Gotta make a change, Pirates. (Also, I imagine them coming up with "Pride. Passion. Pirates." and then some genius fresh out of college raises his hand and says "if we say Pittsburgh Pirates we can increase the alliteration by 33 percent" and everyone going "oooooh.")

San Francisco [added 4/14: "TOGETHER+AGAIN" Hmmm. Were they ever not together? I could see going this route if they've gone away from the "Together We're Giant" motto. But last I checked, the team and presumably fans were together, and were giant. So how are they together again? Shouldn't it be "still together"? Or "still giant"? And what's with the plus sign? Maybe they just mean they've got it together again, like they did last year. And the plus means they've added...something that I'm not aware of. Because I don't really follow the N.L.] [added 3/24 because I forgot to include it]: "Together We're Giant" This is another old one. Not that great. Doesn't make much sense.

And that covers all the teams currently running a slogan on their web site. Some teams, like the Red Sox, have marketing campaigns with multiple slogans that you see in ads and stuff, but I'm keeping this to the slogans you see on each team's home page.

P.S. Red Sox dot com has a page with all the players' entrance songs, if you're into that kind of thing.


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