"You never see that," is what they say about Derek Jeter every single time he does something wrong. Every fuck-up is the first and last one of his career. Today he loafed out of the box and was inches from being thrown out at second on what should have been a stand-up double. Which led the world, including the Pride of Pedestria himself, to make jokey excuses. The MLB.com article starts with

Derek Jeter took a few loping steps out of the batter's box, seeming to allow himself a little extra time to take in his final home opener at Yankee Stadium. Why not? The sweet crack of barrel meeting ball had provided the captain with that luxury.

Granted, it does go on to mention how lots of people in the park mocked him for his extremely unclassy, unfundamental play. But Jesus, that first paragraph--it seems to imply that on home runs, taking your time to run to first, the supposed opposite of everything this guy stands for, is okay! The video highlight, in which you hear Michael "Backwards" Kay embarrassing himself almost as much as Captain Anonymous If He Were Ugly And/Or On The Royals himself, cuts off right after the play, conveniently omitting the replay of the "loping steps."

This whole incident is more proof that "we" have decided the guy can do no wrong. I really do mean it when I say that if he gets caught doing performance-enhancing drugs, that will be the day it's decided that doing performance-enhancing drugs is the right thing to do. Either that or people just won't be physically able to hear the story, like how Native Americans couldn't see Columbus' ships.

You never see Jeter jackknife out of the way of a pitch that's nowhere near him to steal a strike call. You never see him try to sell a call at second base only to get away with it and then have a shit-eating grin on his face. You never see him pretend to get hit by a pitch. And you definitely never see Derek Jeter cheat taxpayers out of millions of dollars. Except when you do.

And you wanna talk about loafing? On top of today, I've heard two other Jeter basepath mistakes in the last month alone. On the one in Houston last week, watch here (click "Jeter Lines RBI Single to Right") as he gets caught on a play right in front of him, then slows to a walk and lets himself get tagged out. If it were Manny Ramirez, it would be the blooper of the year: "Watch as uncaring Manny stops playing mid-game!" Now maybe you think you're smart and you're like, "Dude, he was getting in a rundown to make sure the run scored, then when it did, he stopped running like he's supposed to because it didn't matter anymore at that point." Well you can't have it both ways. Either this guy is so super special because he hustles all the time no matter what, or he's an average player with a lot of bloop hits.

And here's another thing. Even if I came out and admitted that he really is this class-o-rific once-in-a-lifetime best-to-ever-grace-the-field golden god, I still would have every right to hate his guts. Are people just so in love with this guy that it breaks their heart to hear that not everyone in the world shares that love? Or do they think I'm lying? Do they think that for some reason I really, really love the face of my rival but I'm afraid to admit it, so I just say I hate him? This crap was disgusting already, but the YOU LOVE JETER JUST LIKE I DO stuff is growing exponentially as we head toward the collapse and cooling of our sun -- er, Jeter's retirement.

Hey, did you hear Jeter was running the scoreboard today and spelled Ellsbury's name wrong? First time he's ever done that.